


You Are What You Eat

by vesperlynds



Series: Christmas and The Evil Dead [3]
Category: Ash vs Evil Dead (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:06:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28080633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vesperlynds/pseuds/vesperlynds
Summary: Ash, Pablo, Kelly, and Brandy make some Christmas, but get more than they bargained for: deadite cookies
Series: Christmas and The Evil Dead [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/897339
Kudos: 4





	You Are What You Eat

Ash, Pablo, Kelly, and Brand cram around a table in the small trailer. The table is covered with Christmas cookies of all shapes, sizes, and colors. Some are beautifully decorated, but most looked like they were pushed into icing on a plate, just to get everything covered quickly. Red hots and sprinkles are carefully placed as eyes and buttons on some cookies. 

Ash throws sprinkles across the entire table of cookies as Kelly places eyes on a particularly edgy looking gingerbread girl. As she places the last piece, a low rumbling comes from the cookie. Before it can get much further, Ash eats the offending cookie. He grumbles and rubs his stomach, “Wow, that cookie feels like it wants to fight back”. 

A wreath cookie flies into the air, wind wiping around it. Teeth grow in the cookie’s hole as it giggles and says, “Oh, Ash. We knew one day you would join us”. Ash picks his gun up where it’s propped against a Christmas tree made of Shemp’s cans and bottles. He shoots the cookie and it careens into a wall. Kelly starts punching the cookies that start to move on the table. It’s Christmas cookie wack-a-mole and Kelly’s getting that top prize. Brandy spits out the cookie in her mouth. 

Ash’s mouth opens wide, and colorful, Christmas tinsel shoots out of his mouth towards Pablo. The tinsel starts to tie itself around Pablo’s hands and legs. Pablo’s eyes lose their holiday sparkle as he says, “Oh, shit. Is this contagious?”

Kelly takes out a small knife and cuts through some of the tinsel, freeing Pablo from his Holiday death trap. Ash’s face now resembles the deadites he’s spent so many years fighting. Brandy starts to giggle. Cookie crumbs fall from her lips. She picks up a Christmas tree cookie and lunges at Kelly, trying to stab her close friend. Kelly grabs Ash’s chainsaw arm attachment and goes to town on the table filled with evil, dead demon cookies. One cookie shifts back to its normal appearance. It’s a snowman built to look like one Kelly made with her family years before this deadite shit entered her life. The trick didn’t work. Kelly chainsaws the shit out of that fuckin frosty bitch. 

She turns back towards Ash and Brandy, both still possessed, and says, “How the fuck are we supposed to win when two of our team are these fuckin’ things?” Pablo shrugged and says, “Guess we can try to get them to throw up the cookies, but I don’t want to deal with more demon-decorations.” 

Kelly high-fives Pablo, “That’s perfect! Where’s Ash’s stash of booze?” 

Pablo points towards the spot under Ash’s dirty bed in the corner. Kelly reaches under and pulls out a box labeled Ash’s Hardware and Sex Toy Emporium Employee Files. She and Pablo open the box and its filled with Shemp’s and bottles of whiskey and peppermint schnapps. Kelly opens a bottle and hurls it at the possessed Ash. His reflexes when it comes to drinking kick in. He grabs the bottle and downs it. Pablo does the same to Brandy. She’s a little more reluctant, but once the Shemp’s can lands at her feet, she picks it up and chugs the beer. 

It doesn’t take long for the whole stash to be drank by the possessed father and daughter. In a weird way, this might be the best family bonding they’ve had in this survival hellscape. Brandy goes first. She stumbles out of the front door. Kelly and Pablo hear, but never see Brandy’s spew. She walks back in the trailer, drunk but no longer a soul-munching demon hell-bent of ruining the tiny amount of family and tradition Ash has managed to find in his years killin’ deadites. 

It takes a little longer for Ash, and he doesn’t bother to leave the room. Once any remnants of possessed cookie are out, Ash jumps up with a “Woo, got any more beer?”. He walks to Kelly and claps her on the shoulder, “Smart thinkin’, baby”. Kelly gives Ash a death glare. He quickly responds, “Okay, okay. I won’t call ya baby, sugar tits.” Kelly smirks and playfully punches Ash on the shoulder. 

Pablo coughs to gain his friend, no family’s attention. He throws his hands in the air and says, “Where did these cookie cutters come from?” 

Brandy speaks quietly, not wanting to tell everyone the truth, “I found them on the porch in a black sack labeled For the so-called ghost-beaters. I thought you bought them Pablo.” 

Pablo scoffed, “Why would I say, so-called? We are the fuckin’ Ghost-beaters” Pablo and Kelly high five. 

She yells, “Fuck yeah.” The family sit down around the beer-tree, tired from another installment of holiday demon fighting.


End file.
